What was so great about Peter?

One thing all European countries seem to have in common is a mind-bogglingly long history of wars, kingdoms, royals and barons. What I really find hard to comprehend is how short the memories are of the people of those ancient times. The worst of tyrants seem to end up with legacies like “Ivan the Kind”, or “Vlad the Bearer of Gifts”…

Where’s the honesty? I guess if peasants of the time had called their kings and queens by names that truly reflected their nature, then they might have just added their own names to that week’s list of beheadings.

Well its 2011 now, and with nothing to fear, I’m outing some of our ancient rulers. Here’s a list of some of history’s monarchs, with my modern day “adjustment” of their title in brackets:

  • William the Conqueror (William the guy who beat up on a mangy army of serfs and children)
  • Edward I – The Hammer (Edward the Carpenter)
  • Erik the Red (Erik the spent way too much time at the pub)
  • Mary I – Bloody Mary (Mary the also spent too much time at the pub)
  • Boleslaus II The Pious (Boleslaus the spent way too much time in Church)
  • Erik IX the Saint (Erik the Massive Footy Fan)
  • Harold I the Bluetooth (Harold the Tech-savy hipster dude king)
  • Sven the Warlike (Sven the Agro Mongrel)
  • Maria Amalia of the Two Sicilies (Maria the Undecided)
  • Philip V the Tall (Phillip the Short Arse with a Complex)
  • Sigrid the Haughty (Sigrid the always got her way)
  • Charles VIII Father of his People (Charles the Promiscuous)
  • Peter the Great (Peter the Average, who did some good stuff but ultimately died before his best works were completed)
  • Charles III de Palma (Charles the loved a counter meal)

and my personal favourite

  • Simon the Likeable (Simon the Complete Bastard)

OK I just made that last one up, but you have to admit, it feels right…

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